The Folly of Being the 'Fall-Back Friend'
Inevitably, it will happen. People will come and go. There is a neverending cycle of change amongst us. Somewhere in the cycle of "in with the new and out with the old," friendships develop, and it is often the new person that will find a "home" with a particular group of people--or maybe not--maybe in his/her independence, he/she will become the famed, but follied, 'fall-back friend.'
By definition, the fall-back-friend (FBF) is the person who is confident enough to hold his/her own independence, but is available to all, open to new friendships, and has inclincations of: extreme loyalty, dedication and availability. This is the person everyone ends up getting to know in some capacity, some better than others, but will, without a doubt, be the person appointed as the "fill-in" for when "best friends, besties, etc." are absent, unavailable or an annoyance (even if momentarily).
Be careful FBFs, it's unfortunate but true, you will be used. You will be the person to listen, to empathize, to even make efforts to show you care and can also be a permanent friend, but to no avail, because, let's face it, you are just the filler. Even if the "bestie" relationship is an on-again-off-again one, history will tell you, you will be the person who is expendable. How do you avoid this from happening? Easy--recognize the personality types around you: the people who make themselves available only if it suits their needs, the people who come to you in their times of need but are never able to reciprocate, so on and so forth.
Creating Healthy Friendships
We all have acquaintances—people we exchange small talk with as we go about our day or trade jokes or insights with online. These are casual relationships and are not to be confused with those that are true and long-lasting.
If you tend to be introverted or shy, it can feel uncomfortable to be that social individual. But you do not have to be naturally outgoing or the life of the party to make new friends and establish meaningful relationships. You can make the extra effort to be more friendly and open to others, while still maintaining your own personality. Furthermore, it is important for you to take these steps without putting all of your cards on the table at once. Guarded openness is the key.
Intimacy & the Other Stuff of Friendships
Friendship is characterized by intimacy (and other elements, but let's start with this). True friends know about each other: their values, struggles, goals, and interests. If you would like to transition from being an acquaintance to being a friend, the best way to do so is to let the other person open up to you, just as you open up to him/her. Now, keep in mind, you do not have to reveal your most closely-held secret. Start small with something a little bit more personal than what you normally discuss and see how the other person responds. Interest, receptivity, and reciprocation are extremely important. And, as you continue on this journey keep in mind the following:
Focus on others, and leave room for others to learn about you. The key to connecting to other people is showing interest in them. When you are truly interested in someone else and his/her: thoughts, feelings, experiences, stories, and opinions, it will show. But as you do this, allow others to learn about you, when the time is right, and as the story of your friendship unravels.
Be genuine and keep those who are genuine to you around. Showing interest in others should not be faked. If you are just pretending to listen or care, others will pick up on it. Rather than fostering a greater connection, your efforts will most likely backfire. No one likes to be manipulated or placated. Aquescing to other people is not the key. Lying to curry favor will eventually backfire. If you are not genuinely interested in the other person, then stop trying to connect---it will happen---and let the other person make the effort to connect with you.
Pay attention. Make an effort to truly listen to the other person. By paying close attention to what he/she says, does, and how he/she interacts, you will certainly get to know him/her. Little efforts go a long way, such as remembering someone’s preferences, the stories they have told you, and what is going on in his/her life.
Leave room for reciprocation. It is easy to become the person who will do anything for a friendship, or perhaps, be the person who will do anything to earn others' favor. But, allowing yourself to receive from others is also extremely important. Let the other individual reciprocate, initiate and do for you. This not only validates you and the friendship, but also gives a sense of value to other person.
Creating meaningful relationships means being aware of the above points, and will certainly enable you to avoid becoming the fall-back-friend. But remember, if ever you feel your efforts are in vein, the person in control is you. Do not allow others to dictate the motto you live by in creating your meaningful relationships. Follow your heart and the logical reasoning in your mind. Be able to look yourself in the mirror and say that you acted appropriately and stayed true to your values in your friendship.Ultimately, you will know what feels right.
