“I love you here, I love you there, I love you everywhere.” Coping with Separation Anxiety in Your C
Separation anxiety in children has been defined as distress that occurs during the separation between a child and his/her parent(s). A child displaying separation anxiety will have the tendency to act as if he/she will never see you his/her parent again. Crying, clinging, creating a huge scene when you leave are just a few of the emotions parents, teachers and caregivers will experience and see during separation anxiety.
Many parents become self-conscious when separation anxiety is visible; however, it is important to remember that if your child does not experience separation anxiety, consider your child to be a rare exception the norm. Separation anxiety is extremely common. As toddlers grow, they realize that the possibility of being separated from their parents, essentially the people who make them feel the safest, is a reality. When this fear becomes a reality, separation can certainly be difficult for both parent and child.
Separation anxiety can occur in a variety of situations, some of which include, but are not limited to: leaving your child with a sitter, leaving your child with a daycare facility, first day (and additional days after the first) of school, a new recreational class, etc. It is typical during the “drop-off,” or moment of separation, to include loud reactions, tantrums, profuse crying, bids for negotiation and desperation. These moments are stressful for both child and parent.
How should one handle separation anxiety? Bar none, I ask parents and teachers/caregivers to lead with patience. Eventually, the separation will get easier. It is important to remember that each child is different and has different timelines—just because another child adjusts sooner than yours does not mean there is a problem with your child.
Some ideas for helping make separation anxiety easier on both of you include the following:
Leaving in the Home
This is a simple way to get your child used to the idea of leaving. Try disappearing behind a door for a moment and then coming out and reinforcing that you are back (“I’m back!”).
Then try leaving to another room for a few minutes and again, reinforce your return.
Finally, try leaving to another level or a farther room for a few more minutes and reinforce your return.
Avoid Sneaking Out
Many parents think that if they sneak out their children will not notice, or be able to adjust better.
Sneaking out will only increase your child’s anxiety and make separation the next time potentially more difficult.
Just as routines are important for children (and adults) throughout the day (i.e. bedtime, morning time, meals), creating yet another routine for when you have to separate can also be helpful.
Coming up with sayings you share only with your child (i.e.” see you later alligator,” giving kisses, secret handshakes) can help solidify and increase confidence in your child and for your relationship.
Reinforce the 3 C’s: Calm, Confidence, Caring
Show that you Care, Remain Calm & Build Confidence:
If your child cries, do not scold or tease them. Try not to get annoyed.
Empathy is key—imagine yourself in your child’s shoes—how would you feel?
Tell your child that you understand how he/she feels and then make a quick exit.
For example, “I know you want me to stay, but don’t forget, I will be back soon.”
My personal saying is, “I love you when I’m here, I love you when I’m there (point to another spot in the room), and I love you everywhere.”)
Positively reinforce the good things that will happen upon your departure:
If at school/daycare: “Hey! Today is dress up day!!” or “Today is painting day! I can’t wait to see what you draw me!”
With a sitter/caregiver: “You have so many fun projects to do with (insert Sitter’s name)! I can’t wait to see them when I get back!”
Monitor Your Body Language
Children are much attuned to reading your body language and picking up on any anxiety, anger, and tension from you, and even environmentally.
Your facial expressions, body movements, and tone of voice are therefore important.
Try monitoring how you are expressing yourself when you are about to separate.
Avoid any nervous gestures (i.e. toe taping, knee shaking, fidgeting, furrowing eye brows, and the like).
If you are anxious or sad when leaving your child, your child will pick up on this and consume it, but also potentially play on those emotions in an attempt to negotiate not being left behind.
Parental Mementos
Leaving your child with some item that is yours can help as well.
Some examples include: a picture, something you drew together, lunch notes, an item of clothing (i.e. glove, watch, scarf).
Engagement Before Departure
Trying to have your child engaged in an activity before you leave can also be helpful.
Parents dropping off their child at school might find it prudent to leave them at the classroom and do a “hand off” that involves their child engaging in a game or preparing for the first activity of the day.
Parents leaving their child with a babysitter can do the same at home or the sitter’s location.
Define the Amount of Time You Will Be Gone
Let your child know how long you will be gone not necessarily in hours/ length, but rather, provide them with a specific milestone as to when you will be picking him/her up (i.e. “after your last recess, I will be waiting outside to pick you up” ).
